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Things Your Dog Would Say If They Could Talk

If your dog could talk, can you imagine the fascinating and hilarious conversations you would have with them? From their dog food preferences to their thoughts on leash laws to gossip from the local dog park, your dog would probably talk your ear off if they could. In fact, you’d likely never get a word in edgewise! But what would your pup say if they could speak? Well, we have some ideas. First, however, let’s explore how dogs currently communicate.

Can dogs talk?

While dogs have an incredible ability to communicate with people through sounds (like barking and whining) as well as body language (like tail movements and ear position), dogs don’t “talk” in the traditional sense of using human language. While some pet parents claim their pups can convey their thoughts through a button system, not everyone buys it.

As Amritha Mallikarjun, a postdoctoral fellow at the Penn Vet Working Dog Center at the University of Pennsylvania, told the Washington Post, “We already understand what dogs are trying to tell us without the buttons, but when we use a human linguistic interface, we start ascribing too much to our joint understanding of these words.”

Sarah-Elizabeth Byosiere, director of the Thinking Dog Center at Hunter College, added, “The short videos I see online seem to indicate that dogs are able to form associations between a button press and an outcome, but it’s really difficult to say if anything more is happening.”

What your dog would say to you if they could talk

While canine-human communication is tenuous at best, our imaginations are already deep into what we believe our fur babies are thinking. In no particular order, here are the things your dog would say to you if they could talk.  

“Yeah, yeah, teach me commands all you want. We both know I’m the one training you.”

“Go ahead and hide those treats if it makes you feel better. You know scent detection is my superpower, right?”

“Why do you stress out over me digging up the yard? I’ve seen what you do to that garden!”

“I bet you couldn’t even wag a tail the right way if you had one.”

“Fetch counts as exercise for only one of us, buddy.”

“I’m not begging. I’m helping you stick to your diet.”

“I’m not really scared of the vacuum cleaner. I just don’t want to help you clean.”

“Enough with the selfies already. You’ll never be as photogenic as I am.”

“BTW, all those ‘likes’ are for me.”

“If you don’t want me to chew your shoes, you should put them away!”

“Why are you going to the bathroom in my backup water bowl?”

“Stop talking to me like a child. I’m older than you in dog years!”

“Can you tell that guy with the letters that email is a thing now? I really hate him.”

“You think this cone is funny? You try wearing it!”

“So let me get this straight. You get mad at me if I throw up and you get mad at me if I try to clean it up. What’s a dog supposed to do?”

“If it’s on the ground, I can pee on it.”

“How come the cat gets to poop indoors?”

 “Maybe if I ransack the house while you’re out, you’ll stop leaving me alone so long.”

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